Thursday, June 26, 2008

dear bo derek, i very sincerly hate you.

(publicación original por NONBANGING BETTIES/

Sorry about the long absence, blah blah. Anywho.
Ok, okay. I don't hate the actual Bo Derek. I hate what she represents. EVERYTHING. More on that soon.

So in my absence, I have taken to the complete obliteration of guys in my mind, that is; shy of watching that sex scene in Mississipi Masala and trying desperately to find it on youtube. (I don't even
like Denzel Washington!) Guys are completely exhausting me, and not in the way I would like. By being completely elusive, and convincing me that my standards are too high (I'm hot right?...Right?). Anyways, I've gone back to my complete robot state of being, and since I'm not in school I can effectively ignore that guys exist. Peen procrastination, I believe my colleague calls it. I'm really lonely, ok?

The guys I tend to want are sort of mythical creatures. Horns on heads and everything. All that shit. They are gorgeous and funny and I can never believe they exist. I even got close to one once. It was a complete deer-in-headlights-like experience. I got scared and panicked when he made a move. He scampered into the forest. Or up the stairs. Whatever. But that's a story for another day. The point : Guys = Mythical and Centaur Like.

So in thinking about guys and their oracle like mystery, I began to think about the type of girl I am. And I promptly remembered the type of girl I am not.
I dub thee: The Elusive Porn Star. This is the type of girl that starts a fantasy sequence in guys' heads. She is represented by Bo Derek's character in the movie 10 (learn pop culture!). Her hair is ephemerally waving in the wind, and she just has this aura of hotness that makes her completely irresistible to men. I'm sure all you ladies are familiar with her, because usually we all have one of her in our group of friends. We all love her 95% of the time, until we go out and can't get guys to look at us. Doesn't sound familiar? Its YOU, ass.

You don't even have to be ugly to not get attention around Elusive Porn Star. You can actually be really hot. I know from experience. I consider myself a fairly attractive individual (take that as you will), and most of my close friends are equally hot, or hotter.
My standards are fairly high, so you can trust me.Yet I have a few of these Elusive Porn Star friends, Pornies, if you will; that just seem to always get in my way. For example, many a time have I gone to a club, party, place of general food consumption with a group of friends. Lets say we spot a viable young man. I can plump up the boobs, make bad jokes and smile all I want. There's just something about Porny (despite her disinterest), with her waving hair, and sparklies coming out of her aura, that makes guys think that she's going to bone them. (And of course, she is not.) Usually the rest of us attractive ladies are left slightly agitated about our rejected advances, as Porny sits there and laments or ignores the attention. Or even worse, giving the guy her number. The nerve. Around 1AM or so, I usually forget Porny is my friend and just wish that she would go home.

Prime Example: What is sexy? YOU! Act like you know. In real life, notice Porny's complete look of innocence. She actually doesn't know shes's as hot as she is. BTW I would make a complete lesbian turnaround to get with Adriana Lima. Every girl I know would.

So where do these girls come from? What about them makes guys go into hyperdrive? Why won't they leave us poor regular girls alone? And most importantly, who died and named
them the porn stars? A more probing question is this: is every girl an Elusive Porn Star in the right guy's mind? I mean doesn't it stand to reason that every guy looks at the girl he's meant to be with and just sees this really hot chick on a car? Or baking pies or something? Whatever it is that turns him on.

I was discussing this with one of my best friends, A, and I asked her if she OK with not being the object of just any guy's fantasy. She said she didn't care and it probably gets annoying. I agreed. I mean can you imagine, thinking you're just a normal girl, and being bombarded literally by almost every guy you meet? Flashback number 2. I was at a festival with one of my elusive hot friends. Just Porny and I. I've never seen a display like it. No exaggeration, pretty much every guy we passed stopped, wide-eyed, to talk to Porny. It got to the point where one guy would finish getting rejected, and another would walk up.
Didn't you just hear her say she has a boyfriend? I did not get hit on one single time.

I would like to think that I and my self esteem were the injured parties, but I'm trying to consider my poor friend. It has to get frustrating. You must just want for that RIGHT guy to come along, and not see you as a Porn Star. It must be tough. So maybe I should appreciate the Elusive Porn Star struggle for what it is, a struggle. Just on a different spectrum than total rejection.

Despite it all, I still hate you Bo Porny.

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