Monday, September 1, 2008

when keeping it real gets romanticized. (edited version)

I wrote a note to myself while drunk a while back, as I am most honest then. It was basically to the effect of how much I like this guy and everything incredible he represents in my mind. I asked my best friend to send it to me (I wrote it on her IPhone), and was completely horrified. Was I serious? Am I crazy? I've lost it. And then she said the funniest thing: "It makes perfect sense to me."

Lately I've been trying to figure out a lot about love. We can work hard, we can do so much to help ourselves, but when it comes to "love", its pretty much out of our hands. Or we're out of our minds; whichever. I have so many questions, so many concerns. I constantly chastise myself for romanticizing, and push away the things I believe about love.

But unfortunately, this is was one of the few times I've been honest with myself. I can't help how I feel. It may be ridiculous. Maybe this guy is it. Maybe some miracle will occur and I'll find myself with him someday. Or maybe he is just what I said, a prototype. Perhaps he was meant to show me what kind of person I can find someday, someone who I see myself reflected in. Someone who looks at me like I deserve to be looked at, like I'm beautiful.

Its all sappy and crazy and ridiculous, but who am I to deny myself that? To deny myself what I try (most of the time anyways!) to give to others: honesty. What's wrong with knowing someone is out there who is beautiful and everything I dreamed of? Even if it seems like I'm just dreaming..? Maybe I can't have him. Maybe I can. Maybe it's something else altogether that's way more convoluted and beautiful. But as for this, the truth is the truth.

And what's wrong with that?
Sometimes, things just are.