Sunday, September 21, 2008

looking for / finding

/ finding

It's about three (four?) weeks into school, and I am loving it. I miss having my best friend there so much (She's coming to visit soon! I seriously can't explain how excited I am) but as far as school itself, its just all I could want. I feel like when people ask me what's going on I say.. not much. But really a lot is. Its just inexplicable to some degree. This is the only year of undergrad that I am/will be primarily taking dance classes, and I'm just focused. I believe that I'm supposed to be a dance major, maybe for the first time. Even though I feel more tired and more vulnerable than ever before.

"I've known so many dancers that achieved fame who were not the best, or very good at all even, but they just kept pushing.." - Mim

I may not have all the answers about my future, but all you can do is work hard and pray right?

sometimes I feel like when I dance, its like / finding love. falling in love, right there.

/ looking for

I feel like I write about this because some days I can't find the words to say aloud, and most days I don't think the words should be found. But I'm looking for, I'm waiting for, I'm hoping for. I told L yesterday that its been three years since I've so much as kissed anyone. She asked "how do you even manage to get through 3 years without doing that?"Maybe its self inflicted, maybe I move away from every opportunity. Or is it me?

Lonely is not the word. I'm not lonely. But I want something additional, someone to look me in the eye and not fly away, someone to ask me for more than one dance but less than for me to make him my whole life.

I have all these ideas about what I want. I don't want to settle. I don't want to wait and I don't want to rush. Just something slow, something simple, that would put me where I want to be. It doesn't have to be idealized or final, just something slightly beautiful. i don't know what love looks like, but my heart is /looking for it.

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