Monday, August 11, 2008

ain't that funny? (more on becoming a robot.)

More explanation, as promised. Now cue the Jennifer Lopez please. kthx.

So I've spent the greater part of the last week learning a lot about interactions with the opposite sex. I've spent a slightly smaller part of that week worrying about potentially seeing someone of said opposite sex. I spent the last hour thinking about this:

Maybe I'm getting somewhere with the whole no boyfriend thing. Somewhere really good.

Its just that lately, love and all that jazz seems so extreme. Its either overwhelming or boring. Either everything is happening, or tumbleweeds. Maybe I'm being extreme, but I can't help how I feel, right?

I think its really something my mother said (and as you'll see my mother has slightly scarred some of my psyche) to me a while ago. My father used to come in the house every day while we cooked and say: "Something smells good!" My mother thought it was cute, but it made me want to go down the road not across the street, if you know what I mean. I grumbled at what was their boring yet somehow amusing ritual, and she said to me: one day you will be thankful to find a man who is a little boring and stable.

WHAT?! As I said to my best friend, I'll take the divorce, to go please. I'd rather have excitement and surprises. Well after this point, I haven't really been able to fully wrap my head around the idea of being bored to death for 60 years, or die trying. I'm starting to feel that maybe its affecting my advice to others, more specifically said best friend. Without going into extreme detail, she's dealing with a situation that in effect, is like dealing with comfortability (stability) and curiosity (excitement). My question is, why can't she have both? She seems to be leaning towards the stability, and as I felt myself loathing the idea, I began to realize that maybe I'm the wrong one.

I am for the most part a realist, but I believe in things. I study the arts (dance, design). Its taking its toll on me. I conceptualize, I visualize, I lay in my bed and dream out anything from outfits to making out. I imagine every possible conversation I can have with any given person I know. I believe in romantic magic. I'm one of those people who thought it was really cute that Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe started their relationship writing letters. (Its relevant, I swear.) I'm not asking for corny soap opera romance, but I do like the little things. I don't think that there's only one person for any given person ever, but I do believe in things happening for a reason, and their being connections between people that cannot always be duplicated.

Basically, I believe in bullshit.

There doesn't have to be a special energy between you and the guy you're seeing. There may not be any Dawson's Creek dialogues. Maybe passion is just long-lived infatuation, maybe it just takes longer to die. Or maybe all passion is not created equal and I can't pinpoint every one. Maybe that guy who seems too good to be true really is.

So now that I've taken you around the barn, that brings me to my original point. Maybe this is just not for me. Maybe I expect things to be more perfect than I realized. My mother also said once (I know, I know) that I find something wrong with every guy I meet. Not true in my eyes, but maybe I am asking for a bit much. My point is, maybe I don't want to be in love. I always say that I can't accept less than a certain feeling for anyone I date. Maybe that's just not sustainable, or better yet, not achievable? Focusing on my career wouldn't be half bad. Besides, I'm obviously really bad at this.

I'm telling myself all of this, but the truth is, I don't know what I believe or want anymore.

Hopefully I'll get this all sorted out.
Hasta la próxima.

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